April 5, 2003
Collaborative Divorce
I recently had the privilege of attending a presentation at the BCPOA AGM and Conference on the introduction of Collaborative Divorce services for people in BC.
As part of the Pilot Project for Rule 5 of the Provincial Court I had been one of the first Family Justice Counsellors introducing a mandatory process involving alternate dispute resolution as an integral part of FRA proceedings.
The concept of "collaboration" was, therefore, not new to me, but since an FJC's involvement in Supreme Court matters and particularly in Divorce Act proceedings is rare, the decision of lawyers to become involved in a collaborative rather than simply a litigious role with those clients aroused my curiosity.
There has been a growing sense amongst many professionals involved with parents and children, that the social phenomenon of divorce, separation, and its resulting impact on families, was not just a passing phase. This is a new reality that needs to be accepted and endorsed. There is no room for animosity and protracted litigation in the world of raising well adjusted and healthy children. Parents are parents forever, in spite of whatever legal or residential roles they might have with one another.
Fifty years ago a divorce was an anomaly, not as it is today, where one in three marriages ends in divorce. Where in the early 70s I was embarrassed to admit that my parents no longer lived together, and in fact were divorced, today my children are in classrooms where more than half the kids do not live in the same house as both their parents.
My siblings and I were subjected to derision and pity when our teachers and the principal of our school labelled us as coming from a "broken home". Their expectation that we would be socially maladjusted, if not juvenile delinquents, was apparent, and that we were not a "real" family. We did feel "broken" or behave as delinquents. But this is the shadow under which we lived.
What were we? Social outcasts? What were our parents? Failures? Did we lose some legitimacy because our family had taken on a revised format?
In speaking with collaborative lawyers and divorce coaches today, it is apparent that the phenomenon of divorce is not only "normal", but an accepted reality. Rare are the newspaper announcements of 50 and 75 year Anniversaries. The new reality is that more than half the children in this country are growing up with the daily influence of only one of their biological parents, and that the role of the other has changed dramatically. No longer are they relegated to "every other weekend" just because Judges don't know what else to do with them.
Even our Divorce Act is being revised, and words like "custody" and "access" are viewed as archaic, from the age when children were viewed as "chattels" or property.
Both in the field of mediation and conciliation counselling, the current popular thinking lends itself to establishing roles for each member of a family (including extended family members) to embrace the concept of any number of people being integrally responsible for the love and nurturing of children, regardless of with whom they reside.
This is not to say we have entirely lost the sense that "motherhood and apple pie" are sacred concepts in our society. But there is increasingly, a realization that it is the right of the children to have a relationship with each of their parents, as well as with extended family members. If a relationship between two parents is altered, this does not necessitate the destruction of the bonds that each of the parents may enjoy with the children. Indeed, there is new evidence that where a parenting role may have been taken for granted in a traditional setting, that parents and extended families now embrace an added sense of urgency in establishing and maintaining relationships with children.
Collaborative divorce lawyers and divorce coaches seem to be taking the view that where the terms of a relationship have shifted from "married" to "not", where children are involved, communication with the other parent can and must move from intimacy to a businesslike, respectful tone.
Even where children are not involved, divorce no longer implies "fault" or "failure". Both people must move on in an intact and healthy role as complete persons. Even the idea of "single parenting" has lost legitimacy, as most parents readily acknowledge that they need an entourage of support people to raise healthy children. The notion of a "village" is evident. Parents who (for whatever reason), do not share equal time with children, can maintain equal influence, provided that they accept the new reality of collaboration in parenting.
Division of assets is also a subject for divorce mediators and lawyers to tackle, but not in the sense that someone must "lose" and the other "win". The devastation of ending an intimate relationship can be cushioned by learning to respect the other person as someone who has legitimacy in their own right, and moving on, having dealt with anger, grief and loss. This is the role taken on by the collaborative lawyer and divorce coach: to advocate for a respectful end to a relationship.
For the children, this can only be a benefit. Since they see themselves as part of each parent, they can learn to accept the capacity each parent has to love and nurture them. Where children see that their parents are able to communicate, their confidence in their own ability to express their needs and desires is enhanced. This can lead to an improved relationship between the parents and children, as well.
Thanks to those presenters on the panel, and to the BCPOA for their insight in promoting awareness of Collaborative Divorce.
Lia Versaevel
Family Justice Counsellor
Presenters were: Charlotte Gottshau, LL.B. Don Kawano LL.B, Claire Sutton: Divorce Coach and Mark Smith: Divorce Coach. Check out the Collaborative Divorce Website